Babies!!!
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🎧 A riveting audio version of this story will be available for your listening pleasure very soon! Thank you for your patience. - Pete Switzerland
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“And vacation is officially...”
Winston jiggles the key, and the apartment door unlocks with a satisfying clack.
“Over!” he proclaims.
Brenna lets out a bittersweet sigh. “Winter in Milwaukee... it was so romantic, wasn’t it?”
“Ah, yeah. Good to be home, though!” Winston adds with a smile.
Brenna takes a step into the darkened entrance. “Yeah, it’ll definitely be nice to have modern plumbing agai—HUP!”
She trips and falls with a crash, immediately followed by a deafening chorus of crying infants.
“Brenna?!” Winston shouts as he gropes for the light switch. The space illuminates, revealing countless babies crawling over every surface of the apartment. There’s a wave of giggles and wails and incoherent baby babbles.
“Oh, Jesus...” Winston gasps. “Babies!”
Covered in at least a dozen babies, Brenna thrashes around on the floor violently. “Winston... help...” she pleads, her voice muffled by the infants clambering over her indiscriminately. “They’re all... wigglty...”
Winston surveys their home in disbelief. “This is a full-on infestation! That’s the last straw; I’m calling the landlord,” he says indignantly, pulling out his phone and scrolling through the contacts.
“Is he under ‘Landlord’ or ‘Leo’ or ‘Super...’?” he mumbles to himself.
Brenna attempts to army crawl to safety. “DID YOU LEAVE THE MILK OUT?!” she screeches.
Just then, Leo shouts from the building's foyer, two floors below. “Ay, what’s the commotion?!”
“Well, speak of the landlord!” Winston scoffs with his hands on his hips in a sassy pose. So sassy!
Leo shuffles through the open front door, stumbling backward as he nearly steps directly into the sea of drooling bambinos. “Aw, jeeze! Babies!! What’d you do, leave the milk out?!”
“What’d we do?! What’d YOU do!” Winston huffs. “This entire building should be condemned! There’s no way it’s up to code.”
“OH GOD THEY’RE TEETHING!” Brenna screams, attempting to roll across the floor as if she’s on fire. Baby fire.
Leo scowls at sassy Winston. “Sure, I’ve seen a baby or two crawlin’ around in the boiler room, but in my 52 years I’ve never seen nothin’ like this.”
Brenna manages to stand, still completely covered in aggressive joy bundles. She desperately starts flinging them off; babies go flying. Before she can shake them all, a particularly substantial baby falls from the ceiling onto her head, and she collapses behind the couch.
Toning down the sass, Winston looks to Leo and takes on an unconvincingly stern tone. “Alright, I don’t care who’s at fault right now; I just want these babies out of here. So, what’s our next move...”
Sounds of an intense struggle between Brenna and the fat baby emanate from behind the sofa. She groans. Fat baby gurgles.
Leo shakes his head, dumbfounded. “Well, I’ve got some baby spray in the basement,” he says without a lick of confidence. “But I dunno... this is major.”
“Bren, I’m thinking we should get a hotel for the night,” Winston calls out as he drinks in the sight of their once peaceful home, now thrust into total chaos by the horde of feral tots.
Brenna rises from behind the couch, no longer covered in babies. She is completely bald.
“I don’t feel so good...” Brenna moans.
Winston’s eyes widen in terror at the sight of his beloved bride's missing locks. “Baby...?” he utters tentatively.
“Ah boy, I’ll say!” Leo confirms. “She’s got the baby rabies!”
Brenna takes a wobbly step toward them. They take a fearful step back.
Winston puts his hands out as if he’s trying to calm an agitated rhinoceros. “Listen, honey — everything’s gonna be okay. Just... stay back for now,” he stammers.
Brenna’s expression sours, and she begins to cry. A full-on, ugly baby cry. She pees her pants.
Seemingly a moment away from some sort of fight-or-flight response, Winston’s eyes dart over to Leo. “What do we do now...?” he whispers.
Leo cautiously begins to approach the bald, sobbing, pee-pants Brenna.
“We... raise her,” he replies in a gentle voice.
Brenna mumbles some baby talk.
“What was that, baby?” Winston asks softly, trying to shake his sense of panic. The lights suddenly dim.
“HIT ME WITH A BEAT!” Brenna cries out.
An old-school hip-hop track fades in. Brenna pulls out a microphone tucked into the waistband of her urine-soaked sweatpants.
With supreme confidence and a touch of menace, Brenna raps:
Yo, I’m a baby — name me and love me,
Now get acquainted with the fussy little thug me...
Without even realizing it, Winston’s head is nodding to the beat. Leo’s bobbing up and down a bit. She’s really good!
Goo goo, gah gah, goo goo goo,
All the playas say “yeah!” and the cow says “moo...”
Leo twerks vigorously. Winston flails, wiggles, gyrates.
For the first time in his life, he feels like a proud father.